by an anonymous USA Member
I knew her the way many knew her. We had emailed about catering, I met her at events, she was another coworker across campus. When Emma was murdered, at first, no one knew what to do. We just went back to work. Then the videos and stories started coming out. An abusive husband taking pride in beating his wife and the mother of his children to death. The more I talk to my coworkers, the more I see first hand how this loss has touched so many people. At Emma’s vigil, I stood with hundreds of my coworkers as we cried, grieved, and remembered Emma together. Victims of domestic abuse are often those with compassion and love and gentleness for the world. It is part of why they stay. As a result, her life was ripped away from her in her own workplace.
…all of us knew that it could’ve been any of us. As I speak with others on campus, I am reminded of how ever present and ever hidden domestic violence is.
After the vigil, I sat on the steps in stunned silence with a few coworkers. We had known about the murder for a week at that point, but it felt realer than ever in those moments after the crowd dispersed. Then we began sharing, because all of us knew that it could’ve been any of us. As I speak with others on campus, I am reminded of how ever present and ever hidden domestic violence is. Students have told me about their past abusers, coworkers thrown back into the memories of their own trauma, and myself, always thinking about how close we all were to being Emma. It only takes one time to go too far.
People ask, “why did they stay?” Any excuse to make the victim a little less innocent. Anything to make people feel better about any role they played in compliance. It’s hard to know the intensity and barriers at place that prevent people from leaving their abusers. For some it’s legal: the marriage contract itself, custody agreements, property and income control, etc. For some it’s fear, perhaps they feel that homelessness is worse than shelter that comes with pain or they are threatened with worse punishment or they may even fear loneliness. For me, it was love, delusion, and self hatred.
I know the feeling of wanting to be loved so badly that you would rather get beaten than ignored. For so long, a relationship meant proving my love by accepting my bruises. That was the first one. After that, I simply believed that love would hurt and that I could never deserve gentleness. When I heard about Emma’s death, I wish I could say I thought of her and her children first. In reality, I felt phantom hands around my neck just like I felt them nearly a decade ago. I was back in my bathroom, looking at my bruises in the mirror and wondering how to hide them from my mother. I was back in his car, remembering the feeling of going limp and the world fading. Remembering the thoughts in my head “there’s no world in which I am strong enough to fight him off, so I guess this is the end.” I wish I could be the kind of person who would donate my body to science or organ donation after I die, but I long for the day that this body can be burned. Too many times has my body been controlled by others and used as an object. Let it burn away, never to be used again. No throat to grasp, no body to rape. Let my ashes float into the wind so I can be the river again. When I left that first time, all I could do was cry myself to sleep each night, battle the urge to return, and scream at myself for staying, for leaving, for loving, for not loving, for hoping, for existing. The next time, it didn’t even occur to me to leave. I never knew love could be gentle.
I grew up in a health care desert in deeply rural Tennessee. The closest Planned Parenthood was 2 hours away and came with the risk of getting harassed, doxxed, and assaulted, just for walking up to the building. There were no crisis centers, no advocates; our town had one therapist, and she didn’t take my insurance. I didn’t know crisis centers existed until my best friend started working at one, but that was 1,000 miles away. I think about what would’ve gone differently in my life if only I knew to ask for help. If only I knew that love shouldn’t hurt. These days, I try to advocate for the resources we are blessed to have here. Most people in abusive relationships don’t know that there are people ready to help them immediately. How do you ask for something you have never known to want? The start is education.
The more education we lose, the more hope and happiness we lose, too. Knowledge is more than a degree, more than a grade, more than numbers and letters; knowledge is safety, it is hope, it is a recognition of the self.
I didn’t have sex-ed or education on healthy relationships in school. The closest we got was when our school chaplain put on a 5 minute YouTube video about consent and left the room while it played. I was friends with mean people, just so that I wouldn’t be alone. I dated older men because I thought it made my worth. I didn’t even think of that aforementioned moment of nearing death as assault until someone else said it 8 years later. Every year, education gets punched down a little more. More budget cuts, more lay offs, more legal retributions. The more education we lose, the more hope and happiness we lose, too. Knowledge is more than a degree, more than a grade, more than numbers and letters; knowledge is safety, it is hope, it is a recognition of the self. When I was a teenager, I could rattle off a string of facts and write my papers, but I didn’t know what kind of love to look for until I was 26. I didn’t know it existed. I work in academia now. I am not in the classroom or deciding on curriculum, but I hope that students can see me as a resource. I hope that they notice the flyers for addiction treatment and crisis centers on my door and know that they can ask me for help.
My hope for Emma now is that she has found peace. Wherever her soul has landed, I hope she never feels pain again. I hope she sees the hundreds of people mourning her and realizes how loved she was. I hope that in her death, even one person will find the will to leave. I hope that violence never finds her again.
If you or anyone you know needs assistance in a matter of domestic abuse, sexual assault, control, unhealthy relationships, or anything else, please reach out to one of the organizations below. Please note that per Article 9: Section 17 of the USA contract, UMass must provide employee leave for victims of abuse:
SECTION 17. EMPLOYEE LEAVE FOR VICTIMS OF ABUSE
The employer must provide up to fifteen (15) working days of paid leave without loss of leave to which the employee is otherwise entitled and without loss of credit for time or service, to allow the employee to seek or obtain aid for themselves or a family member as a victim of domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking or kidnapping, including but not limited to: medical attention, counseling, victim services or legal assistance; secure housing: obtain a protective order from a court; appear in court or before a grand jury; meet with a district attorney or other law enforcement official; or attend child custody proceedings or address other issues directly related to the abusive behavior against the employee or family member of the employee. All leaves granted under this Section shall be done in accordance with Chapter 149, Section 52E of the Massachusetts General Laws. Human Resources may require documentation as provided in applicable regulation and guidance supplied by officials of the Commonwealth regarding implementation of this statute.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 – www.thehotline.org
- National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-4673 – www.rainn.org
- Safelink (Massachusetts): 877-785-2020 – casamyrna.org/get-support/safelink
- Massachusetts Office for Victim Assistance (Massachusetts): 844-878-6682 – www.mass.gov/mova
- Resilience Center of Franklin County (Greenfield, MA and Orange, MA): 413-772-0806 – www.rcfcma.org
- Safe Passage (Northampton, MA): 888-345-5282 – www.safepass.org
- Center for Women and Community (Amherst, MA): 413-545-0800 – www.umass.edu/cwc
- Alianza (Holyoke, MA): 877-536-1628 – www.alianzadv.org
- YWCA (Springfield, MA): 800-796-8711 – www.ywworks.org
- Elizabeth Freeman Center (Pittsfield, MA, North Adams, MA, and Great Barrington, MA): 866-401-2425 – www.elizabethfreemancenter.org
In addition, SAFEPLAN advocates are available in most MA court houses to offer court-based advocacy including helping victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking plan for safety and obtain protective orders.
Most people in abusive relationships don’t know that there are people ready to help them immediately. How do you ask for something you have never known to want?
